http://www.something-fishy.org/words/knowme.php

If You Really Knew Me, You'd Know That...

1. I desperately want to be accepted
2. I am afraid of not winning this battle
3. Just now I am figuring out who I am
4. I smile all the time because I don't know what else to do
5. I am starting to become comfortable with the idea that I am ordinary and that there's nothing wrong with that
6. My eating disorder is not the problem; it's the symptom of my real problems
7. Sometimes I just want you to listen, not talk, not interrupt, not offer advice or suggestions.
8. Sometimes all I want is you to sit there and listen and to feel like I have been heard
9. Sometimes the weight of my sadness is bone-crushing, like the pressure of water down deep
10. I hurt myself because it's the only feeling (pain) that I can stand to feel
11. I am terrified of not being a good enough mother
12. At the start of the next day, before I even brush my teeth, I ask God to help me stop myself from hurting either myself or anyone around me
13. I'm deathly afraid of growing up and dealing with all the things a grown-up must think about, even though I'm technically an adult
14. There are so many things I wish I could say
15. Words and actions hurt me even though they weren't meant to
16. I cry when you hug me because of the emptiness and pain I know I'll feel when you finally do let me go
17. I am so incredibly mean to myself. I wouldn't talk to any other person on earth the way I talk to myself
18. What I want right now more than anything is love from myself. If I had more self love, the criticisms, the negativity, the thoughts, the low self-esteem, the self-doubts would all cease
19. I sometimes need your help, but I'm not sure how to tell you this
20. I really do care about you, more than you could even imagine
21. I cry when no one is around
22. I'm head-over-heels in love with my daughter and my husband
23. I hold back from full recovery because I hang on to anorexia as an excuse to not chase after my real goals
24. I don't like the eating disorder, I just am having a hard time disliking it
25. I felt too ashamed, too dirty, too embarrassed and too scared to tell you that I couldn't cope without hurting myself
26. I have a very difficult time seeing myself as a girl/woman/anything feminine
27. I want to make a difference in the world
28. I am unable to see my potential right now but it helps me to hear you when you tell me it's there
29. I'm afraid to know myself and understand my feelings and wishes
30. As I'm smiling and laughing, I have voices screaming and degrading me in my head
31. When I laughingly say I don't want to grow up, I'm not joking. I really am terrified
32. I believe that everyone's flaws should be accepted and forgiven except for mine
33. My love for my son overwhelms me
34. I would give anything to get out of my head and into my body when I am being intimate with my boyfriend
35. I'm always in a state of obsession. My mind is always going a mile a minute and my ED is ALWAYS berating me for something. I never have a moment of pure peace or silence in my head
36. I'd love to escape to somewhere by the beach, eat, drink, dance, without a care in the world
37. I lied my way through treatment and I'm now paying the consequences
38. I'm scared to leave the student world and enter the real world alone
39. I miss my parents like mad
40. I feel there's an empty hole in me
41. Some days I feel like the old me & it feels so liberating
42. More than anything I long for a mother who loves me and listens to me and to go home and feel safe
43. I feel guilty about all the pain I feel
44. I hate, absolutely hate, feeling vulnerable and I will do almost anything to avoid it
45. I feel nothing most of the time and I wait to see your reactions before I know how to respond/reply/react myself
46. I am really sensitive although I appear unfeeling
47. I'll lie to everybody to keep them from being hurt or from hurting them
48. I feel like a complete failure as a mother
49. What I want most is to just hear that I am ok just the way I am even if my natural state isn't common, normal or cool
50. I worship the ground my big sister walks on and she doesn't even know it. I compare myself to everything she does
51. What you said/did hurts
52. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong anywhere and I feel like an alien and that I don't belong in this time because my outlook feels so foreign
53. I don't like myself right now and I need support, but then when I get that support, I'm scared to let go of it again, scared that I'll lose it
54. I still sleep with a stuffed animal
55. No one could berate me more than I do myself
56. I hate being needy and yet I long to be taken care of
57. I am a scared little girl searching for a daddy to love her
58. Without this mask I don't really know who I am
59. I simultaneously crave both fitting in and standing out. I feel like a failure when I'm different, and I feel like a failure when I blend
60. The ED was the only constant in my life, the only thing which felt unchanging regardless of what external events happened. The ED was the only guarantee, the only certainty, the only thing loyal to me throughout everything that came my way
61. I wish that I didn't hate myself but at the same time, I don't know how it would feel to like myself
62. I am so afraid of being in an intimate relationship with a man, and I fear I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life
63. I'm afraid I won't be a good mom
64. The bigger my smile, the larger my pain
65. I use my body to convey what my words cannot
66. I always feel like a burden but usually I hide that
67. I don't want you to give up on me
68. I have big dreams and wish that I believed enough to make them become a reality
69. I don't even know myself
70. I want to love my father, but I cannot figure out how
71. For years, I longed for someone to know my secret, in the hope they'd stop the pain and stop me from hurting because I didn't care enough about myself to stop myself
72. When I do something stupid, and remember it later, the "me" in the memory always looks fat and ugly
73. I have no confidence in myself or my abilities
74. I struggle to believe in myself at times and fear being hurt by criticism but I am courageous and don't shrink back from those things I am gifted at
75. I will not show that I am mad at you. In fact, I probably won't even feel mad at you, unless someone else reassures me that it IS something to be mad about
76. I want to find something that will make my parents proud of me
77. I don't really give a rat's ass about how I look. I only talk about it so much as a way of verbalizing all the fears inside me that I don't know how to identify
78. I love you even when you don't think I do
79. I pray that I will still be able to have children someday
80. I'm so, so sorry for all the times I lied to you
81. I am scared shitless because I don't know what to do with my life and I cannot cope without direction
82. I need help believing in myself
83. I don't know who I am or what I'm all about
84. I don't feel that I deserve your unconditional love
85. Even when it doesn't look like it, I am trying, and I'm doing my best in the moment
    I won't ever measure up to "you"
86. I harbor an immense amount of guilt over my actions and this prevents me from telling you, as I don't want you to shoulder my pain and my burden, or know my shameful secret for what it is
87. I am really afraid that I could really exceed beyond my wildest dreams. But I have never let myself try, because what if I succeed then fail miserably
88. I'm scared that this will kill me