one year ago i fought with you.
i think neither of us really recovered after that.
too many things which were kept and not said;
said but misunderstood,
understood but not interpreted entirely.
forgotten promises and dying dreams.
and because we are both the kind who would rather run away than confront our problems,
we ran.
in opposite directions.
held the same thoughts, the same worries, the same paranoia--
but we ran.
unfortunately not together.
all that angst-- and all for nothing.
of course i only have myself to blame.
i imploded-- i always do.
worries grew on worries and i second-guessed everything including myself.
i always thought i wasn't worth your time.
didn't dare to tell you things because i didn't want you to judge me.
had to debate if i was disturbing you,
whether what i said was interesting to you.
kept the light-hearted retarded naivety in front of people,
desperately trying to maintain the illusion that everything was back to what it was
that everything is fine.
a problem exists only when you acknowledge it to be so,
right?
....i can't even remember what outings with you were like.
i cannot remember what conversations with you were like...
i think it was a countermeasure.
i think my brain forced those memories out.
because it would have hurt so, so much to remember what life then was like.
so i forgot.
i didn't dare to think about it.
i still don't dare to.
i really wanted to do something epic with you.
really wanted to do something memorable,
something great.
something the both of us can be proud of.
this is the reason why i spiraled down into frustration and anger
and finally resignation.
i just wanted to do something great with you...
don't ignore me,
pay a little attention to me,
why do you seem so indifferent?
but i think my thoughts came across wrongly
and i gave you pressure instead.
always have this thought that i wasn't worth the time
not worth the effort.
why would you care?
i'm too much trouble.
so you build up those impenetrable walls around you
and they get higher and higher each time i see you.
"Distance might do us good", was the unspoken conclusion, i think.
But it was the last thing i ever wanted in my life
especially from you.
”そして僕はまた歩き出す
そう
あなたの終わりを背に。”
