it's been a few years since i came back.
i was quite surprised to see that i created so many blogs.
must have wanted to split my posts so that it'll be harder for people to find haha.
it's been 7 years and some demons never go away.
i realized i'm constantly fighting against my own insecurities and sense of inferiority.
it gets stronger each time i become closer to someone i deem precious and important.
i didnt think it would happen again after the first time with masamune-dono.
i think i've learnt to handle it better.
i no longer lash out as easily.
i'm not that destructive anymore.
but it still eats on the inside, and it bothers me a lot.
but it really sucks to be ignored
or to be swept aside
it's like nobody else really cares if you are there or not
it really sucks, and it bites me all the time
so much so that i can feel the physical ache.
i'm not asking for fame or popularity, i don't need that
i'm not ambitious
but i admit i crave acknowledgement and recognition.
and i keep telling myself,
as long as 'they' know i'm here and 'they' tell me that there can be noone else but me
it's fine.
it might be short-lived and it might be temporary,
but it'll do just fine.
so i tell myself
''it's okay.''
''it doesn't really matter anyway.''
''all these-- it's not real.''
''we will lose everything one day anyway.''
and detach myself the moment i know i've fallen too deep
because it's easier to tell yourself that it doesn't matter
than to admit that it does
and realize that you can't keep it with you forever
and feel the heartache when you lose it.
